What comes first, the lobola or the proposal? | Rules of engagement

January 22, 2020 1809 2

What came first… The chicken or the egg? In this day and age a similar debate unfolds; what comes first… the lobola or the proposal?

When you have the marriage discussion with your partner for the first time, surely you would discuss your cultural backgrounds as these tend to determine the order of the engagement-lobola process?

Back in the day, lobola *WAS* the engagement. Your partner asking you if he/she can approach your parents was/is still seen as a proposal. Discussing the ‘rules of engagement’ on-air, Via and Mthaux found that younger adults want to wear two rings just like in the western culture, and there is nothing wrong with that. This means that for them; the proposal/engagement comes before the “vula mlomo” (the proposer’s introduction and request for blessings from the families to marry the “proposee“).

For those who prefer that the lobola negotiations come first, it could be because it is believed that, that is how one asks for a person’s hand in marriage before proposing.

So, in essence, the cows come home before anyone gets down on one knee. Traditionally, some see it as a sign of respect to ask for your partner’s hand in marriage and carrying out the ‘magadi’ process (as known in seSotho and seTswana culture) before any other “modern-day” traditions.

But… wait a minute. So the “engagement first” team still gets to keep the element of surprise, right? but the “lobola first” team are involved in the process thus agree to marry the bloke/lady/person by simply being present at the negotiations? yes?

Phew, what a mind fry.

Nia Brown and Mthaux took this debate to social media streets as they argued that ‘cows first’ takes away the ‘wow factor.’

So what comes first? The proposal between the couple or the one between the families?

Tweeps may have been divided but they showed appreciation for the importance of both.

Date was set etc. while we were traveling to EC on lobola weekend, he proposed on the way. I like this because to go down for the negotiations he had never asked me before he just stated his intention, glad he proposed before the negotiations.

— Mrs_Horo (@sboshy_horo) January 20, 2020